Sciurophobia

Sciurophobia

by Darren Heideman & Dylan Carbonell

[The Flynn-Fletcher Home in the living room. Candace, looking bored, flips through various channels, looking for something to watch.]

Candace: Infomercial. (changes channel) Infomercial. (changes channel) Ooh, a Japanese game show? Oh, wait, infomercial. Ugh, why isn't there anything on?

[She presses the remote again and comes across a nature program.]

Narrator: Today we shall learn more about mammals of the family Sciuridae, or as most of you may know them, the squirrel.

[A squirrel appears on-screen and in response. Candace jumps up to the ceiling and claws on it like a cat.]

Candace: MOM, DAD! MOM, DAD!

[Linda and Lawrence rush in, bewildered by Candace clinging to the ceiling.]

Linda: Candace, honey, what is it?

Candace: (points to the TV) CHANGE THE CHANNEL! CHANGE THE CHANNEL!

[Linda looks to the TV and sees the image of the squirrel.]

Linda: Oh, for goodness sake, Candace, it's just a squirrel. (turns off the TV)

[Candace then drops, landing on her mom, wrapping her arms and legs around Linda's neck and head.]

Candace: Just a squirrel? Mom,did I not tell what happened that one time? I had squirrels in my pants.

Lawrence: Candace has acute sciurophobia, doesn't she?

[Linda and Candace stare blankly at Lawrence.]

Lawrence: Sciurophobia, the fear of squirrels. It's my word of the day. (pulls out a note card)

[Candace then slides off her mother.]

Linda: Candace, your father and I will be running errands today. Look after the boys while we're gone. And watch out for squirrels.

Candace: Not funny, Mom. Not funny.


[Cut to Phineas and Ferb seated outside, under the tree. Both look bored.]

Phineas: Okay, no go on the Punic Wars reenactment, the time traveling submarine, or the replica of Stonehenge. Ferb, I don't know what we're gonna do today.

[Just then the gate opens and Django and Jenny enter. Jenny holds a small bundle in her arms.]

Phineas: Hey, Django, Jenny. What brings you here?

Jenny: This. (she unwraps the bundle to show it's a squirrel)

Phineas: Ooh, hey there, little guy.

Django: We were doing volunteer work for the animal sanctuary, and we kind of got a little more than what we expected.

Phineas: What, just this guy?

Jenny: No, not just him. (points over the fence)

[Phineas and Ferb peek over the fence and see and large number of cages containing squirrels.]

Ferb: That's a lot of squirrels.

Django: Yeah, and we really can't have them at our house because our dad is in the middle of a new art project. Can you help us?

Phineas: Sure. Anything for these little guys.

Jenny: Oh, thank you.

Phineas: Ferb, didn't we have...? (stops when Ferb hands over a set of blueprints and looks it over) I thought so. Let's get building.

Django: Hey, where's Perry?


[Cut to Doofenshmirtz Evil, Inc.]

Singers: Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

[Cut to Perry and Doofenshmirtz.]

Doofenshmirtz: And by unexpected, I really do mean unexpected. I've got nothing, no scheme, no trap, nothing. I do, however, have my Fix-A-Hole-inator and Clear-Debris-Away-inator. See that right there? (points to an intact wall) That's where you busted in yesterday, but can't tell now, right?

[There then is groaning heard and the two look to the source. Cut to Vanessa in bed, visibly sick. Her skin is pale, she has bags under her eyes and her voice is affected by nasal congestion.]

Vanessa: Dad, can you scheme quieter?

Doofenshmirtz: No scheming today, sweetie. I'm taking care of you. (turns) That's why I have no scheme today, Perry the Platypus. I'm taking care of Vanessa.

Vanessa: (groans) Anything but this...

[Doofensmirtz then takes out of book of home remedies.]

Doofenshmirtz: Let's see, "starve a cold and feed a fever"? Who wrote this? (tosses the book away) I know what to do.


[We then cut to Candace's room. She steps out from behind a changing screen, wearing her white t-shirt and jeans outfit, and talks on her cellphone.]

Candace: I'll be honest, Stacy, I... (looks out window) Oh, what is that? I'll call you back, Stace.

[Candace goes to the habitat, opens the door, and enters, closing the door behind her.]

Candace: Phineas and Ferb, when I get through with you, you guys are gonna be so...

[But then when Candace finally enters, she sees the different kinds of squirrels surrounding her.]

Candace: So...so...so many squirrels...

[She looks around at the large number of squirrels and twitches nervously. She then starts to hallucinate, all of the squirrels then have demon eyes and horns and they all then merge together into one giant monster squirrel. Candace shakes intensely in fear. We then cut to Phineas, Ferb, Jenny and Django walking towards the habitat, with assorted items such as water bottles, acorns, and dried ears of corn.]

Phineas: Okay, now that we have everything we need, we can...

[Phineas opens the door, but stops talking once he sees a perfectly Candace shaped hole in the wall in a running and screaming position, that all the squirrels are staring out of.]

Phineas: Now that's funny, I don't remember installing that when building this thing.

[One of the squirrels then jumps out of the hole that Candace made in the wall.]

Jenny: Oh no! (Runs after squirrel) Come back, little woodland buddy!

[Jenny trips and face plants in the dirt, she then gets back up and steps on a randomly placed snow shovel which nearly whacks her in the face, and then she trips on a garden hose and gets tangled up briefly. The squirrel then jumps through another Candace shaped hole in the kitchen door, which is in a slightly different position. Jenny then limps over to door, but when she opens it she falls over again, but ends up scooping up the squirrel.]

Jenny: GOTCHA! You're safe now, little guy.

[She then hears Candace whimpering.]

Jenny: Candace, is that you? Where are you?

[Jenny goes searching, reaching the living room.]

Jenny: Candace?

[Candace suddenly pops of of a chandelier on the ceiling, with her arm going into one of the light holders pointing at the squirrel.]

Candace: GET THAT VICIOUS RODENT OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Jenny: First off, how did you ever get into that chandelier? And second, what do you have against sweet little squirrels?

Candace: I had a bad experience with them once. Remember, I told you and Stacy about it. Wait a minute, when did we get a chandelier?

[The chandler then falls off the ceiling and Candace falls with it, crashing onto the floor. Candace looks dazed and badly beaten under the broken chandelier. She then crawls out from underneath it.]

Jenny: You okay, Candace?

[Jenny steps closer and Candace stiffens as she is focused on the squirrel.]

Candace: Bad squirrel, evil, cruel!

Jenny: Oh c'mon, could you really say that about this adorable little guy?

[Jenny holds the squirrel up close to Candace's face. Cut to Candace's point of view, where the squirrel looks like and ugly disgusting monster.]

Candace (Jumps into the air in panic): AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

[Candace then bolts off at rocket speed, down into the panic room. She then crawls into an oversized cat carrier, where she clutches Mr. Miggins.]

Candace (Shaking in fear): Squirrels! Sharp Teeth! Claws! MY PANTS! Squirrels, why did it have to be squirrels?


[Back at D.E. Inc...]

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, Vanessa, let's check your temperature. (sticks thermometer into Vanessa's mouth)

Vanessa: (mumbling) Dad, I don't have a fever.

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, don't talk, Vanessa.

[The thermometer beeps and Doofenshmirtz checks it.]

Doofenshmirtz: (gasps) 98.6?! Oh, you're burning up! Don't worry, I'll whip up an ice pack. Come with me, Perry the Platypus.

[Doofenshmirtz takes Perry to his kitchen and hands him trays of ice.]

Doofenshmirtz: Here, put every last bit in here. (opens a bag)

[Perry pours all the ice into the bag until it is full. Once it is, Doofenshmirtz rushes back and sets it atop Vanessa's head. However, it is so cold that Vanessa then starts shivering.]

Doofenshmirtz: Oh no, you're getting worse! Don't worry, I'll help you get better.

[Vanessa's eyes go wide in fear.]


[Back at the Flynn-Fletcher, home Candace paces frustratingly as she glares at the habitat.]

Candace: Come on, Candace, you can do this. There's busting to be done! They're just squirrels! Squirrels with little tiny feet...with little claws that could run down my legs. But they just store acorns for the winter...which they bite into with their sharp teeth! But they can't defend themselves against a car... unless, a million of them jumped onto it. Oh c'mon, just go into that squirrel house! What's the worst that could happen?

[A thought cloud then appears over Candace, showing her imagining herself being carried off by the group of squirrels as one stuffs acorns into her mouth, causing her cheeks to bulge out. She then is carried up and crammed into a tree. The thought cloud then disappears and Candace is visibly freaked out.]

Candace: That could happen. (sighs and walks over to a mirror, looking into it) Oh, what I am suppose to do?

[Candace is stared down by her mirror reflection.]

Candace's reflection: Will you get a hold of yourself you crybaby!

Candace (Crying): I don't wanna!  

Candace's reflection: Quit your whining! You have brothers to bust, so stop being such a spineless coward and make with the busting!

Candace: You know what, you're right, I shouldn't let my stupid fear get in the way. My primal urge to bust trumps my primal fear of squirrels.

Candace's reflection: That's the attitude, lady!

[A squirrel's reflection appears in the mirror.]

Candace's reflection: EEEK!

[Candace flees once more.]


[At the same time at D.E. Inc., Doofenshmirtz rummages through various junk in his kitchen.]

Doofenshmirtz: Now, is it feed a cold and starve a fever, or the other way around? I wish there was a book I could check.

[Perry only shakes his head.]

Doofenshmirtz: I heard tales that chicken soup is just the thing for such aliments. Reminds me of that Chicken Soup-inator... Hmm, maybe that'd be the ticket. (pulls out a pot and starts throwing in ingredients)


[Back at the Flynn-Fletcehr home, inside the habitat, things are busy. The boys have finished patching up the Candace-shaped hole in the wall and focus on their initial project. Phineas and Django toss about acorns and dried ears of corn to the squirrels, Jenny refreshes water bottles, and Ferb sets up a series of trees that another group of squirrels start to scamper about on. All four then step back to look over their work and are very proud of themselves.]

Jenny: This is just perfect. These fuzzy little cuties are all looking fit and happy.

Phineas: Too bad Candace isn't here.

Jenny: Well, she did say she has an issue with them.

Django: What happened?

Jenny: Um, I'll tell you when you're little older. (pats her brother's head)

Phineas: I do wonder, what is Candace up to right now?


[Inside the house, Candace has set up a huge obstacle course for herself, and she sets up mechanical devices to make several squirrel puppets appear everywhere. Then she goes through the course, knocking down every puppet that comes her way. Then a whole bunch of squirrel puppets on strings come down from the ceiling, and Candace fights them all off. She then stands in a confident pose, thinking she's victorious, but then the squirrel string puppets swing back and end up wrapping around her, and have her tied up on the floor. Candace literally turns white for a second, then jumps into the air screaming and scrambling around. Then the puppet device yanks her back up, and she's wrapped in the puppets' strings, dangling from the ceiling.]

Candace: Hey, someone get me from down! Hello?!

[Candace struggles, but while doing so, one of the puppets swings about and ends up whipping her across her rear-end with some loose strings.]

Candace: OW! Stupid puppet! You're almost as bad as the real things!

[She flails around until she finally frees herself, dropping to the floor. She gets up, brushes herself off, rubs her rear-end, and sighs.]

Candace: Oh, what's the use? If I can't handle little puppets, I'll never be able to deal with the real things. It's hopeless, I can't bust my brothers for this...

[Candace then sees the hole in the kitchen door she made and the ruined chandelier. She then gasps as she gets an idea.]

Candace: Wait, if I can't bust them for the squirrels, I can bust them for making me do this. (her cellphone then rings) Hello?

Linda: (over phone) Candace, we're on our way back.

[Candace grins in wicked delight.]

Candace: Wonderful. There's something you just have to see.


[Back at DE Inc., Doofenshmirtz carries in a bowl of soup for Vanessa.]

Doofenshmirtz: Here were are, one heaping bowl of chicken noodle soup...

[He suddenly trips, launching the bowl, which then drops right onto Vanessa's head and all its contents spill on her. She looks at her dad, an angry expression on her face.]

Vanessa: Okay, why is this soup ice cold?

Doofenshmirtz: Well, I couldn't decide on what to do with a fever, so I thought a balance of ice cold soup was sure to be the remedy.

[Perry shakes his head in empathy.]

Vanessa: Okay, that is it! I don't have a fever, just a cold! Stop with the different remedies and just leave me alone! (points to the door, signaling her father to leave)

[Doofenshmirtz hangs his head in sadness and sighs.]

Doofenshmirtz: All right, Vanessa, just call me if you need anything...

[He walks out and Vanessa drops backwards and folds her arms. She then looks down to Perry, only simply glances at her.]

Vanessa: What?

[Perry looks confused.]

Vanessa: Hey, you saw it, all his little attempts at making me feel better only made me feel worse.

[Perry's eyes shift back and forth.]

Vanessa: Well, yeah, he is trying his best, and I should be thankful for that at least...

[Perry cocks his head, unsure of why Vanessa is carrying on like she is.]

Vanessa: You're right, Perry.

[Perry is all the more baffled.]

Vanessa: Dad!

[Doofenshmirtz rushes in, carrying a bucket.]

Doofenshmirtz: Aim for the bucket, sweetie! Aim for the bucket!

Vanessa: What? Oh, no, I don't need that. But I do want to say thanks. And maybe ask for another bowl of that soup?

Doofenshmirtz: Coming right up.

[Doofenshmirtz exits, but signals Perry to follow, which he does.]

Doofenshmirtz: Well, as you can see, we won't be able to carry out our usual business today. I promise I will have a good evil scheme to make up for this. I do have a Dark-inator I've been itching to make use of. In the meantime, what do you say we fire up the  Fix-A-Hole-inator and Clear-Debris-Away-inator, hmm? It may not be evil, but maybe I can ruin someone's day by fixing a hole and clearing some debris. What kind of person would have their day ruined by that, I'm not really sure. (whips out a remote and presses it, firing both inators.)


[Back in the backyard, Phineas and Ferb, and Jenny and Django exit the habitat. Just then, a woman enters the yard.]

Mrs. Greene: There you two are.

Jenny: Hi, Mrs. Greene.

Mrs. Greene: Your father told me you'd came over here for some help with the squirrels. (sees the habitat) Now what's this?

Django: A habitat for the squirrels. Phineas and Ferb built it to help us out.

Jenny: Take a look inside.

[Jenny takes Mrs. Greene and shows her the inside. Mrs. Greene is amazed by what she sees.]

Mrs. Greene: Oh, my, this is impressive. You know, something like this could be useful at the new sanctuary being constructed upstate.

Phineas: You like it? You can have it.

Mrs. Greene: Really? That's too generous.

Phineas: We do it all the time.

Mrs. Greene: Bring the truck around, Kenny!

[A truck backs up and other workers start to begin loading the habitat.]

Worker: Hey, something happen here? (points to where the hole Candace made use to be)

Phineas: Yeah, our sister did that.


[Meanwhile at the front door, Candace waits and sees her parents driving up and park. She rushes out to them.]

Candace: Mom, Dad, you gotta take a look in the kitchen. Come on!

[Candace pulls them along as the habitat is finished being loaded onto the truck.]


[Inside, Candace points to the kitchen.]

Candace: Mom, Dad, look!

[Linda and Lawrence look.]

Linda: Hmm, Candace, did you clean it?

Candace: What?

[Candace sees the hole has been repaired.]

Candace: But how? Okay, look at this.

[She takes them to where she left the ruined chandelier.]

Candace: How about this?

Lawrence: Oh, I see they've come by to take away that tacky chandelier.

Candace: Wait, what?

[Candace sees the ruined chandelier is gone.]

Linda: Candace, what's going on? Where are your brothers?

[Candace is torn by her fear and urge to bust her brothers. Suddenly she musters up the nerve and rushes for the backyard.]

[The truck carrying the habitat pulls away and Mrs. Greene now starts her own car, preparing to depart.]

Mrs. Greene: Thanks again for this habitat, boys. And thank you, Jenny.

[Everyone waves as she drives off, following the truck. Candace reaches the backyard, sees it empty, gaps in shock, and then rushes to Jenny.]

Candace: Jenny, where did it go?

Jenny: Mrs. Greene just took it for the new sanctuary been built upstate.

[It's then Linda and Lawrence arrive outside.]

Linda: Hi, Jenny, hi, Django.

Jenny: Hi, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher.

Linda: So, Candace, where's this thing?

Candace: It's...gone.

[Linda and Lawrence nod, when Perry comes walking along.]

Django: Oh, there you are, Perry.

[Candace throws up her arms in frustration.]

Candace: If I never see another squirrel again, it'll be too soon.

[No sooner as she says that, a wild squirrel hops atop, runs along the fence. Candace has a nervous expression on her face when she sees the squirrel, and slowly walks back, not seeing another behind her. She steps on its tail, causing it to freak out. The squirrel suddenly runs up her pantleg, which motivates more squirrels to follow suit. Candace screams and wriggles around as the squirrels are squirming in her pants. As they all look on in discomfort, Linda covers Phineas' eyes, Lawrence covers Ferb's eyes and Jenny covers Django's. Candace then dives behind a bush, takes off her pants, twirls them around to fling out the squirrels, puts them back on, and quickly runs away screaming through the house and up into her bedroom. When she gets there, she quickly nails wood, welds metals and ties chains to both her door and her window. She then lowers herself to the floor and sighs with relief.]

Candace: At least there aren't any in here.

[But then suddenly, a bunch of squirrel silhouettes surround Candace. Zoom in on Candace's face as her eyes go bloodshot and sweat runs down her face. Cut to Phineas, Ferb, Jenny and Django outside the room as Jenny struggles to open the door.]

Phineas: Well, luckily we have this teleportation device.

[They teleport into Candace's room, but when the get their, they see a bunch of squirrel puppets hanging from the ceiling, surrounded another perfectly Candace shaped hole punched through the metal barricade in a running and screaming position, mouth nose and tongue included.]

Ferb: Most outrageous exhibition of wonton cowardice.

Phineas: Shameful.